| I'm jumbled, but I feel as though if I let myself, I could actually be at peace. for once. Sure, things are so far from perfect. My job is shit- they cut my days back, so though I haven't been making hardly any money, it's even less now. Awesome. School is so overwhelming. I have so much to do that I wouldn't even know where to begin. I feel that after a semi-decent nights sleep tonight, I'll be ready to go all day tomorrow and thursday. I just need to find some motivation- I'm not sure at what point I lost it or if I ever truly had it. but nonetheless, we all move forward. but despite all of my financial and school woes- like despite the fact that I eat more sandwhiches and homemade noodles than any human being ever should- & besides the fact that I work for a measely $20 a shift and live off of redbox and my 5 or so channels- I'm fairly happy the past week or so. It's like a series of epiphanic moments recently. I've let go of several things and people that were holding me back from being entirely happy. Until recently, I wasn't able to even remotely let go of things that have happened to me in the past. I had only forgiven certain people at the surface but internally, I was holding grudge after grudge. I've finally come to terms with the reality that I will never understand why particular situations went certain ways, or even happened at all in some cases- but that they have all formed me into who I am today. The good times, and even the really bad times I don't like to think about, they all make me- me. If I hadn't been mistreated and abused when I was younger, I wouldn't be as strong and independent as I am today. The fact that I can say that I sincerely love from the bottom of my heart, the man who did all the things he should never have, says something major. The fact that I daily call the woman who used to chase me around and leave bruises inside and out on me, is incredible. Sometimes bad things happen to good people, and sometimes it's a lot of bad things. but there is always another day. It used to be even harder for me to get over Daniel. because it was he in which I confided everything. He knew every nightmare, and held me as I cried over these past memories years later. He was the only one that really understood me, and could feel my pain. Losing him, was like losing a chunk of my soul, and it took three years for me to feel whole again. I'd still do anything for him, always and forever. Love like that never dies. This past week has been so insightful for several various reasons. A great deal of it had to do with Drew. He's positively amazing. I really don't know how I lucked out. It's been such an amazing three months. We spent practically the entire weekend together. His sister's wedding was on sunday and his entire family came down from Illinois. It was a hectic weekend but calming at the same time. I hardly knew anyone, and didn't feel out of place even once. aunts and uncles and everyone were all staying at his house and they were all so nice. His mom always hugs me, insists I eat whatever is near and talks to me nonstop. I love how comfortable I am with his family, and it's effortless. I just met his sister and I felt like I had knew her for years. We text, talk online, everything. It's amazing how I fit right in almost instantly. In past relationships, there was always an awkward, almost dreadful family phase but not this time. I almost feel more comfortable around them than I do my own family, haha. very odd. but I've just been going with it. Drew and I have been doing so well. He gets sweeter and sweeter. and definitely more thoughtful. I got sick yesterday and he picked me up some pepto, measured it out for me, made me drink it all, then made me a pallet in the floor and held me, and held an icepack on my head too. so cute. He even told me a story to put me to sleep last night since I stopped taking my medicine and couldn't wind down. (: anyways. I need to go to sleep. end ramble. |
